Quite the conflict for me because I hate waiting, and I hate losing.
I don't enjoy waiting in lines or at traffic lights or waiting for bigger things like salvation of loved ones, changes in my students, or having a family.
What about losing? Well, if you have spent any time with me, you will remember that I have a terrible sense of direction, which causes me to get lost quite frequently. I absolutely hate losing my way and then losing time. And I certainly don't like losing a game, possessions, or control.
But you see, my attitude toward waiting and losing has made me a prime candidate for the Potter's faithful molding and shaping and firing, that all the dross of impatience and pride may be cut off and burned away.
The reality of waiting and losing struck me when I was waiting, rather impatiently I might add, for the tram. It was after school, and I did need to get home soon so I could get to a meeting on time. The tram was supposed to come every four minutes, according to the schedule posted. When I got there, I had two minutes to wait until its scheduled arrival. Two minutes came and went and no tram. Three minutes. Four minutes. Really, tram? I'm tired, and I need to get home! I could feel my frustration and bitterness rising. Not only that, but my frustration deepened when I realized that I didn't know when exactly it would come or if it ever would. The schedule was off, and I had no control over the current situation.
After about six minutes, I realized the ridiculousness of my impatience. Seriously, Annika? You are angry because the tram is late a few minutes!
Totally pathetic, I know, and I was both repulsed and ashamed of the depth of my impatience. I wish I could say that this was an isolated event, that I don't often get ancy when I'm required to wait even for a short while. Unfortunately, this is far from the truth. My impatience over little things like waiting in line surely pours over to bigger things in my life, and it is not good.
Impatience reared its ugly head once again this past week when I went hiking. I had the day off of school, and I wanted to go somewhere outside to hike and think. I choose a forest by the metro that I had never been to before. The maps were a bit confusing, so I decided to just walk and see where the road led. This proved quickly to be a problem, however, because when I go hiking, I like to know where I am, where I'm going, and what I'm going to see. I tried to relax, but I was impatient. I wished I could climb one of the trees around me to see the whole forest, where the best paths were, and if there were any scenic outlooks. The Holy Spirit then began speaking to my heart, showing me that I view my life in the same way.
I want to know where I am going, and exactly which direction to turn. I want to see the whole picture and know what's coming and when. As this reality began to sink in, I sat down for a while to process and write. An excerpt from my journal explains it best:
"What does the Bible say? Wait patiently. You may not be able to see the whole forest; in fact, most likely you won't. But look at the trees around you. Notice the different shades of green, the intricacies of each leaf, the smooth twisted trunks of some, and dry, cracked bark on others. Each moment in God's world and plan is filled with wonder, with beauty. Yes, this isn't our home, but there is joy and delight here. God made this world, and fashioned each day for you. Rejoice and be glad! His plans are good and His timing perfect. Breathe in deep the scent of pine. Stop long enough to hear the sweet melodies of the birds around you. Do you honestly think you could plan it better? Lose the air of self-importance. It's ridiculous, really. Your identity is jack squat. Corrupt and deficient. Take on Christ's! Your desires are narrow, shallow, limited. They can never see the whole picture, so they can never be full or true. Don't be afraid to lose. In fact, revel in it! Lose your need to be independent and fulfill your own agenda. You were made for dependence and completeness. Don't you long to be whole? Fulfillment will come from nothing and no other than the great Lover of your soul. Wait. Loosen your grip on the people, dreams, and desires you hold close. Only through losing can you truly gain everything."
As I have reflected on these two realities of waiting and losing, two beautiful truths have come to my mind and are gradually sinking into my heart...
"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and he will act. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him..." - Psalm 37:5,7
"'If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?'" - Matthew 16:24-26
